One of my resolutions in starting this blog was to be myself, 100%, right? Well, I haven’t put up a new post in 9 days, because of, well, fear. Not fear of the blog per say, but fear of admittance and fear of moving forward or fear of trying to move forward but inevitably moving backward because for some reason every risk I take or road I travel ends up ruined. I am really not trying to be dramatic with that word, “ruined”, but at this moment I feel like my life is in ruins. I am sitting here in my store, with one one customer since 11am, wondering what the fuck did we get ourselves into and how the hell we are going to make it through this off-season.
The waves out there are huge, you guys. I stood on the beach for 10 seconds to get a quick video and I was covered in sand, whipping me in the face like a million needles. These waves are so enormous that just looking at them fills me with this sick thrill, I imagine myself stuck out there, in the big one, breaking 100 feet out. I would be done. I feel done in other aspects, so this is comforting.
I have always been afraid, though. If I sit back and analyze myself from being a young child fear was always where I went when I was alone with my thoughts. Fear of freaking everything. I don’t know how to break this cycle. But bad things just keep happening to me or those around me, and it fills me with fear.
Someone just came in from the bakery a few doors down. They said they lifted everything in the kitchen 4 feet off the ground. All the media outlets around here are reporting non-stop about this hurricane. Pre-Sandy, when a hurricane was on the way, people celebrated. “YAY! Nothing to do! Let’s hole up and drink beer!” Now I am sitting here with such fear that not only my business, but my home, could be flooded. Deep down I really don’t think it’s going to happen, but I guess that’s me just trying to stay optimistic. Every text that comes through is someone asking me what it’s like down here. Should we really be afraid? Should we be picking up a uHaul right now and packing all of our things? I don’t want to regret it if something catastrophic happens but I am really trying to be in control of my fear.
If we get flooded, and things get ruined, it’s going to make everything that we are fighting for right now so much harder.
The thought of it really makes me feel sick inside. The ocean is so powerful, and I love it for it. But right now, I’m just kind of scared.
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