December 31

Hello hello. I really want to sit down and edit photos and write about 15 glorious and intelligent blog posts about what this year has meant to me, but instead I am just going to rattle off some recent thoughts and make sure I mark this moment in history while I feverishly unwrap hershey kiss after hershey kiss.

Two really big things happened this year that Joe and I had no idea were going to happen on December 31, 2014. First, we started our own business. Second, we got pregnant. I might be bold here, but those are two really big things that I think can either make or break a person, let alone a couple. We sat together this morning over breakfast (as we’ve done a few times throughout this week) with wide eyes, “2015 has been a year“. Hot damn, has it.

I’m sitting here shaking my head because I barely know how to express how special and scary it was. Also, how sincerely grateful I am for the people around me who have really stood up, and also those that have showed true colors (good and bad) and helped me grow as a person. Some relationships have gained strength, some have grown weaker, and I can’t help but find myself reflecting on that today.

I woke up early to some crazy sledgehammering outside our house, shaking the walls, and finished Drew Barrymore’s book, Wildflower. I stared this book yesterday evening and to say I flew through it could be an understatement (the day before I read Nora Ephron’s, I Feel Bad About My Neck) – I love reading next to a Christmas tree. Drew’s book really touched me though (Nora’s, turns out, is made more for a woman in her 50’s/60’s, but it did help me reflect on some things I shouldn’t take for granted while I’m still young). But Drew, omg. Girlfriend. She made me feel like I understand myself a little bit more. She is fiercely independent and brave and clumsy and often late. She tries as hard as she can and said several times to be as personal as possible. Which I try to do as often as possible (see: this blog) but often feel like I am exposing myself and feel kind of stupid. She also talked about art, and how her grand father was a talented artist, that drawing was a skill she always admired, and how she wasn’t one (neither am I), and that she vowed to make a picture where a family stays as one (this made me cry). I want, desperately, to create a family that sticks together. It’s become my biggest healthy obsession.

I’m sitting here, feeling this baby kick inside me as I speak (maybe the chocolate reached it down there), and I just want to be the best mother I can be. I don’t want to obsess over “parenting” though, I want to raise an independent little thing, and not fault it for being itself, and also take responsibility for myself, and learn through my child. I’ve already begun doing this, as it grows inside me, and its definitely changed me as a person already. We had our second ultrasound yesterday and we got to see the baby’s features, it was wild. It’s little nose, and lips, opening and closing, sticking it’s tongue in and out. The exam of the spine was what really stuck with Joe and I, so intricate and beautiful. Seeing the little thing kick it’s legs around on the screen, while I felt it in my body, was wild. It is fair to say that my main goal has always been a mother. It’s been painful for me to wait as long as I did, I can’t believe I’m finally to that place I always wanted to be. I am so glad to share this all with a man that is truly my best friend. We can’t wait for 2016.

I am going to sign off now, the fire is crackling, the sun in shining, Joe is hanging some laundry on the line, he just finished the dishes. I made latkes with fried eggs, applesauce & sour cream, and bacon. Turns out I still can’t do bacon. The smell cooking didn’t bother me, but as soon as I put it in my mouth I thought I was going to upchuck. I also ordered a steak out last night and couldn’t do that either. Meat just isn’t settling right for me, pregnancy is wild. I will continue to listen to my body.

I just peeked outside and I see Joe hung a pair of his boxers on the front row of our clothes line. Ha ha. He doesn’t get it. Our drier died the other night mid laundry marathon. So that’s fun. I love line drying undies. Not. We are going to go through the gifts we received from our parents for Christmas, and put on LOTR. Maybe walk to the beach later (but probably not) and then head to a friends house for a little shin dig tonight. Last night we went to see a good friend coach basketball. He is a grad coach on a college basketball team, it was a really fun game (went into double over time) – I enjoyed watching these college dudes run around. Not in a pervy way, they were just trying so hard, and they are so young! I feel old watching younger people, how did we grow up so quick? Oh my god I just deposited an entire handful on M&M’s into my mouth and I need water so bad. So off I go. See you in 2016.

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