Err

I haven’t written anything in a long time.

In the beginning of the year I was feeling so inspired and ready to hit the pavement running, then I got overwhelmed, clammed up, and stopped creating. Not completely. I have a few home projects going on, and I have been knitting, cooking, and practicing yoga 3-4x a week.. but I’m not keeping any of the resolutions I was, well, resolute in keeping. Blah blah blah. I don’t even feel like writing right now, the only reason I am here is to try and get back into the swing, to feel good about it, but I am just being a negative ninny and I don’t like that about myself.

I’ve been at the store by myself today and just had my first customer (it’s 2:10pm, she bought a bag of pretzels) .. I had dreams last night it was summer, that we had a line out the door, and it was the best feeling. Joe has a full time job outside of the store now, which keeps us afloat, but also leaves me alone a lot to stress out and become paralyzed about getting things done in time for summer/before baby. I want to clarify, I don’t resent him for this. I am thankful for him for providing for our family. I am just lonely and I feel stranded. Living at the beach in the middle of winter with an overflowing plate of things you can’t control while a baby grows rapidly in your belly is an intense and powerful test of human will. I’ll give myself a little bit of credit there.

An old blog of ours automatically renewed recently, which we couldn’t really afford, but didn’t want to let go (although honestly I kind of wanted to just let it go but Joe was positive that we worked too hard on it to let it disappear), I still access it on a regular basis (and google hits are still high, although we never update), and I have been beating myself up over how much I used to love blogging vs. now. It used to be a knee jerk reaction, something interesting happens to me, I take pictures, I blog about it. I hear of something new and exciting, I write about it. Now, I still build up data, or do and see interesting things, but I have lost that desire to share. In a world of over sharing, I have stepped away. But honestly, I haven’t. I do a lot of social media, and micro blogging, instagram, snapchat, facebook. But that shit is fleeting, unorganized, easy, cheap ..

::::long exhausted sigh::::

Who else is feeling overwhelmingly underwhelmed? What the hell do I even expect? Why can’t I just get on here and edit and upload pictures of a beautiful cherry pie and call it a f’ing day? I still try to read blogs every week. Women who are organized and inspired and doing beautiful things — which makes me depressed. I do pinterest and tumblr on the weekends, which gets me inspired, but then I don’t get back on there all week. Why am I even talking about this right now? Right? Like, who the hell cares how you social media, Ashley? It’s a sickness.. it really is.

I could go into how much I really have been enjoying meditation and yoga. Hell, I could even blog about that if I wanted to! What a concept. I could bake a pie and take pictures and upload it (but my kitchen has awful lighting) — maybe I could upload the pictures I’ve taken of before and afters of home projects, and talk about how I have been listening to a wonderful audio book as I do my chores. I could take week by week photos of my growing bump and post them on here, or share some progress of the baby things I’ve been knitting. I could write 2k words on how I have researched every stroller and carseat out there.. or spent way too much time creating my baby registry and still stress about it but don’t want to look at it because I don’t want my surprises to be ruined.

But, do you know what really has killed my vibe?? My broke ass iPhone. I use that more than I use a computer, and get burnt out from it, and then I don’t use my computer. It doesn’t help that my big computer has been at the store all winter so I don’t use it during the week, which is where I really get down on editing and blogging and whatnot. Here I go again, talking about technology usage. My husband, Joe, still uses a flip phone. He isn’t distracted by all this bullshit like I am. He doesn’t get pictures and texts and snapchats from people constantly. He is so detached, and I am so jealous. He will check his computer at the end of the night, and that is really it. I want to start doing what he does. Blah blah blah.

Writing this has given me such anxiety. I need warm weather and sunshine and for my garden to start growing again. I need to finish all the house projects and get the nursery ready for the baby, and I will try to resolute to document and share on this here blog. Because blogging, as much as it is a conversation with other people, is a conversation with yourself, and that’s what I need to get back into. I just chugged an entire glass of water and it felt amazing. That is another thing I have been doing, drinking a lot of water. I’ve also been making the bed and eating a lot of oranges. Also, cottage cheese and home made apple sauce, the entire series of Gilmore Girls (by myself) and Parks and Recreation (with Joe).

photo from my 366 in 2016, which I gave up on. Should I restart?

6 Responses to Err

  1. Mama Moderno March 19, 2016 at 8:06 pm #

    Yes!!! Restart! I love to read about how you are feeling other than what we share together and our conversations. I am thinking just now that after Baby comes, you definitely need to blog your amazing life and I can watch baby so you can do it uninterrupted.
    Good thinking! Cant wait for what’s in store and all you have going on in your head you need to blog. it is therapy. If you are happy with it that is all that matters. <3

    • Ashley
      Ashley March 26, 2016 at 2:39 pm #

      I will definitely need help watching baby.. counting on you. x

  2. caitlin March 19, 2016 at 8:16 pm #

    hang in there, momma. there’s nothing wrong with a lack of inspiration/desire for long stretches of time at this age/point in your life. you are creating a WHOLE LIFE! inside of you (which inherently takes a lot out of you in many ways) so don’t feel obligated to do something you are not feeling right now– you are doing everything right as long as you take care of YOU (and dude, that might require a solo bawl sesh at your front counter once or twice for chrissake). i feel like all creative people feel verrrry deeply the same. it’s easy when things are high up there and good, but you just have to get through the low parts with grace and have faith that one day you will have a spark when you least expect it. and when things get good again, it just makes it that much sweeter knowing that you FELT all of those crazy and horrible feelings, but that you also HANDLED all of those crazy feelings 🙂 you GOT this, girly.

    • Ashley
      Ashley March 26, 2016 at 2:39 pm #

      Thank you so much for commenting with this encouragement. I think since my mind is constantly racing I never take a break from wanting to do more and be more, which can be exhausting. I need to be easier on myself … It sounds silly but I am hoping baby will slow me down a bit.

  3. Krys March 19, 2016 at 10:43 pm #

    Your store looks amazing in that picture!

    • Ashley
      Ashley March 26, 2016 at 2:37 pm #

      Thank you! x

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