1/6/17

It feels so strange after so long to be sitting down and trying to write. I always tend to get myself into this break from writing and then I get back and it’s like .. wait, how do i do this again? I feel so shy right now. I haven’t’ put anything up on this site in such a long time, I am not even sure what I want to become of this space to be honest. I have a lot of ideas of things to do but I haven’t moved forward with it and then I just ponder and procrastinate and blah blah blah, you know the story.

That being said, with the time that has passed, it gives me reason to re introduce myself and where I am in my life. so lets jump off right for the new year, where hopefully I will be a little more present on this here blog.

i am working really hard on self love. it’s really freaking tough to get to a place where it is just a routine. schedules are constantly changing and the weather is always different and then there are my moods.. don’t even get me started on how my mood affects every single thing around me. full disclosure, i almost typed that ‘every. single. thing’ .. but ever since joe told me he thought that was obnoxious i have to refrain. i like it though, so who. the. hell. cares.

i have been eating the best i can, preparing healthy and whole food meals as often as i can (and eating like crap whenever i slack.. not good, i know).. i’ve been taking better care of my skin, constantly dealing with my hair, and attempting to detox from chemical products completely. it’s tough and i know i’ll never get all the way there … *don’t touch my windex!* .. but just starting is forward motion and i’ve learned from experience, stepping back and looking at all the products you use in your day to day life can be kind of overwhelming. and then disgusting. i recently took everything out from under the sink, and everything out from the bathroom closet (which is our utilitarian storage)(towels and sheets are stored in our bedroom closet).. i went through it all, wiped it all down, got rid of a bunch of stuff, and feel a hell of a lot better about whats under the sink.

i’ve been setting boundaries for relationships in my life, and also making sure i put time aside to be truly invested in those who are near and dear to me and recognizing when its time to let go, that in itself is a huge part of self love.

then, the most important part of my recovery, is focusing on my spirituality. i *need* to find time in my schedule to work this in on a regular daily basis, it is something i always let go, but i am no spring chicken, and i have always thought ‘what if’ for being a fit person, a healthy person, an in tune with myself person.

i really do feel better when i am active and outside and sweating, and moving, but i always get on the train and fall right the f off so quickly. so that is a huge part of spirituality for me, because when i exercise and meditate, or stretch, or do leg swings, or a plié, i automatically feel better. it’s amazing and so gratifying yet i still haven’t figured out what method ultimately works for me. hold on, i need to stretch now, my muscles are seriously aching from my thoughts on this…….

k.. i am back, and that felt amazing. what about these people that meditate at home every morning? i just can’t relax in my space, which i am working on trying to deal with, but wouldn’t it be so wonderful to have a meditation room, overflowing with plants, big embroidered cushions on the floor, incense, crystals, yes yes yes. with meditation comes faith, because i need to harness more of that throughout my life. being a Quaker, my faith is based on meditation and silence, and free thinking. on the other side of the coin lays activism, which is a facet i am very interested in applying to my everyday life. how can i use my strengths to better the environment around me, for myself now, the future me, and then my re incarnated self 😉 … and lastly, i want to talk less and do more. action action action, in real life, not online life, be with the people i love doing things we enjoy and be present in the moment. less cell phones and apple tv, more paperbacks and seashells.

aaah, work. it has become such an abstract thing for me. what do i do? how do i do it? how can i get paid? how do i assert myself? when will business pick up again? where should we do this when should we do that who should we hire what do we pay them can we pay them we we pay that can we pay this when do we want to do this that that and this this and that make this do this make that yes yes more of that but less of that or maybe more i don’t know where to go go go. …. that being said, this summer was the most challenging period in my life thus far, and it was great. we had positive feedback at the store with the full menu, and gained a lot of insight into what direction we need to take this upcoming year of business to be the best version of ourselves. i created a little video to offer a glimpse into my life as a store keeper this summer, i have some regrets about the footage, i guess at times it might be too much, but it is created and it is out there and i just need to deal with it, or take it down, should i take it down? i don’t know.

there has been a little team albatross stuff going on, photo gigs, digital brainstorming, some catering gigs, lots of book keeping in the coming months, menu development, recipe testing, and lots of reconstructing the physical space of the store, which i can speak for myself and joe, we don’t really know where to begin.

oh, did i mention its cold as can be in gensto? the heat doesn’t work very well. so we need to figure that out too if we are going to be spending so much time working in there. so long story short, the store is my #1 priority work wise, we need to be in a prepared and positive place by memorial day weekend of this year, and this includes many facets across our inventory, our advertising, our menu, and our methods. so stay tuned for that. … and in the mean time if you need a photographer, a caterer, or a painter (walls or furniture), i can be your gal.

our little beach house that could. i really love the ‘home’ that this space has grown into for our family. we have done a handful of big changes this past year, and have some exciting projects planned for this year. the major conflict for me, is that #1 we don’t own the house and #2 another big hurricane and everything could be underwater. i fantasize (something i need to slow down on, because it’s not getting me anywhere) about one day having my very own house. with wide creaky floor boards and big windows, spilling light, and a lawn and a shed, and a guest room that just sits there and i don’t have stuff stashed in the closet or under the bed or anything like that, because it is just the extra room. this might never happen, i know, but i am a sicko with zillow and i recently said to joe, while driving through the pine barrens, something along the lines of, “isn’t it wild to think that our house if out there, right now? with someone else living in it? and it will be our house, our first house” .. because we agree we don’t want a brand new house (nor could we afford it) .. so our address, and home, and yard, basement, shed, are chillin out there, with snow dripping down the eaves into the pile of leaves.

it’s good. i am still learning new things about joe, and striving to be the best version of myself for our marriage. i am safe in the manner that he loves me and comforts me when i am feeling like the worst version of myself. for that, i know i am blessed and i am grateful for our relationship every single day. we make a great team. growing into the role of mother (he, the father to my mother), has brought me to a higher understanding of who i am meant to be and what kind of role i want to play in our family. it a challenging yet wonderful big ass piece of that pie of my life, and although we can make each other nutty i am a giddy little girl every time he comes home. bottom line, i just want my husband close to me and me close to him, mentally, emotionally, and physically.

i realized today that the phrase “pride and joy” has taken on a real, totally insanely huge meaning for me. i am honestly kind of speechless right now, trying to find the words to convey what these nearly 8 months have been. to be completely transparent, i haven’t written much anything about what motherhood has been because i have been experiencing it so constantly and intensely.

i’ve had this conversation with joe a few times, about how i really had no idea what kind of love to expect. i was afraid in the final months of my pregnancy, riddled with thoughts about what if i can’t love this baby enough or what if this baby gets on my nerves and i just want my old independent life back or what if i don’t like the baby and the baby doesn’t like me ..

these are completely legitimate things to be pondering before you meet your first child, for the first time, by the way. if anyone ever says something like “oh i never wondered those things, i knew it would be fine” — they are full of shit. or they aren’t in tune with themselves and/or they are robotic. or maybe they aren’t, i don’t know, who cares, my intent is not to judge any mothers, but whatever, that isn’t my point .. what was my point? ..

oh yeah, loving my baby. it is natural and instinctual and tiring but the most fulfilling job i’ve ever held (go back up there to work and erase everything and write in “i am a mama” .. because that is really where i feel the best right now) .. i have found such grace in taking care of him. i love making him meals and getting him dressed, taking him on walks, socializing him, listening to music, reading, driving around in the car, playing, oh boy, i miss him right now, writing this. he is gaining indepedence these past few weeks, and his feet have lost that super soft babyness and you can now see his neck when he is sitting up.. but he is still such a baby and i am not taking a single moment for granted.

this has been a major theme for me the past .. always. so i was going to be done after ‘mamahood’, but felt like i had something to say, so here i go. as a child, i never understood why my mom had friends that she would mention or refer to, but they weren’t still her friends. it seriously perplexed me, one example is a friend of hers called Beverly. i believe she lived in Delanco, which is where my childhood best friend Sandy’s grand mother lived, so after Sandy and her family moved out of state, i’d visit her in Delanco (it’s about 20 minutes south of where i grew up, right past the ice skating rink) … so every time we would drive into Delanco, my mom would mention Beverly. i have this specific memory of the car turning this sharp turn under a bridge when i realized and possibly asked my mom what came to be of her friend. it’s one of those blurry memories of mine, where i learned something big about life .. relationships come and relationships go.

i now have a bigger understanding that this will be a facet of my life forever. that being said, it’s an ever evolving roller coaster of wit, humour, dancing, meals, sorrows, secrets, on on on on. i fucking love it and it makes me so sad. clearing this subject is making me tense, because just knowing people can be really exhausting. do you feel like that?

i was recently talking to my dad about the new social circle that comes with being a parent, being friends with your children’s friends, etcetera. he said it was all good, it comes with the territory, i’ll be fine. But I looked at him and said “i just don’t know if i want to be involved with anyone else”.

it clicked for me, saying that aloud to him, because i got to the point in my life where i was spreading myself too thin, trying to stay in touch, be grateful, be punctual, be responsive, in the moment, invested, thoughtful, etc. well you know what, i just can’t do it anymore. i am letting myself off the hook, maybe, to let a fresh breeze come in, but i have had some major awakenings and when it all comes down to it, it’s just all about family.

i am talking about the people that are your blood relatives, but also the people that are people with your people and you can support and exist together, and feel full, emotionally nourished, and inspired after being in their presence. it also boils down to getting older and your friendships having so quickly accrued so many years. it is wild to know that i have female relationships that have been around as long as i’d been around when we first met! (example: a friend i met at age fifteen years, has now been a friend for seventeen years) – it’s brilliant.

i’ve taken an afternoon to myself, to get some things done, and i am sitting here with a nearly empty glass bottle of san pellegrino, enjoyed in a cabernet glass;neat, some chocolate, fireplace crackling, dog snoring, wind whistling kind of day. some christmas decorations are still up, albiet making me a little crazy, i love the twinkly lights and the white pine draped over doorways and adorning the mantle. the fragrance has gone with the freshness, and i am nearly burned through my thymes fraiser fur candle this year, which is sad, because it’s a serious nose orgasm! i have more than half of my big jar yankee candle that joe got me, balsam fir, which is nice but it’s different nice.

this year i made us each a stocking to hang. the majority of the supplies were ordered online from purl soho, and then i went on a joanns run for some thread and fishing touch notions. joseph’s has a special button that my mom gave me, which was on her father’s Navy peacoat. the structure is wide, denim, and boyish, mine reminds me of an egyptian bootie (which needs to be finished before packing away, the ribbon is still just pinned), and joe’s is made of the softest flannel i’ve ever felt.

ah, i am feeling super inspired now to move on with the positive creative projects i have in my mind. i washed my hair and it’s pinned up to dry in the ultimate top knot, slipping toward my forehead.

well then, chippity chip, time to get on with the day! i am going to clean up and listen to the Hamilton soundtrack for the first time, because Mandy is obsessed and informed me that Jonathan Groff plays King George so … !! (it’s on Spotify)