Every-time before I sit down to spill out my thoughts I stretch. It feels nice, and physical, and something that is outside my mind and my fingers before I let it ll go go go.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately, which has been making me feel more like the version of ‘myself’ that I want to be. Curled under the covers early, reading 10 pages here 5 pages there, 200 pages there. Adding more and more hot coffee to my cup (should I switch to an herbal tea? most likely) .. getting little bits and pieces of refreshment from the 5 different books I am currently invested in .. like many other people I speak to .. #badhabit … I finished a Tom Robbins book today that I had been reading for entirely too long.. It got ridiculous and I bunkered down and finished it and am walking away saying that ALL I NEED TO KNOW IN LIFE I LEARNED FROM TOM ROBBINS. I mean yes and no obviously, but that book gave me so many epiphanies and chuckles and a fresh bout of comedic relief.

Sylvi just visited and she was a reading a new book.

She read it in the morning, before dinner, and while laying down to watch Joseph sleep, on mine and Joe’s bed, while I ran an errand. It felt so good to drive by myself.

I love that woman in my life, who I met when I was just a girl. Her fascinating beautiful troubled intelligent and bright spirit.

Her quick mind and artistic touch and love for adventure.

Its rare, as we grow older, to find people that we feel comfortable around enough to let the walls down and be yourself. Sylvi has always been one of those people for me, and for that I really feel confident. Thanks girl, I am getting all mushy again.

We treated ourselves to massages and martinis on her last day in jersey, and as we walked out I heard the church bells playing a song. I have always loved church bells. hearing them. every hour especially. (I need to get a proper clock in my home) –

So we hopped in the car to freshen up. Our clean hair now laden with grease, but ‘good grease’ as Sylvi called it, which I do agree with, but right now my bangs are so out of control that once those little funky hairs get greasy they cannot be tamed). When we got out, the bells were still going, “Let’s walk over there”, I said, closing the car door and beginning a slow trot toward Bridge Ave. Sylvi kept up, and we crossed the street, heading in the direction of the church. I’ve semi regularly walked into churches in the middle of the day to say a prayer or pay my respect or just to check out the statues or stained glass or pews. Church for me isn’t just for Sundays. This church in particular is one that I drive by every few days, going both ways, and have been stopped at the light beside an uncountable amount of times. It’s at the corner of one of our main routes off this string bean island we live on.

I have to mention the grass.

The most properly fresh landscaped lawn of grass. Sod, naturally. Meticulous edging. Super cushy.

As we were approaching, a flock of black birds were doing a floaty dance around the wires, in the trees, and on the sidewalk in front of us. I put my hand out to Sylvi’s chest, like one would do when stopping short with a lover in the passenger seat. *

I just have to note how distracted I just was, had to hang some laundry on the line, it got really nice right before I started writing (Here Comes the Sun), so I started a load of line dry only stuff, and then it finishes and its murky and damp. There is a cool dry breeze so I still hung the stuff, I’ll move it to the indoor rack before we leave for Lily’s birthday dinner. She is six today. So I come in and remember I stashed a bottle of Pellegrino in the freezer, “hopefully it hasn’t frozen!” I thought, swinging the door open. NOPE, but perfectly chilled the bottle burns my hand a little. I just took a sip, every bottle of pelli, every bottle of white wine should always be so crisp. This is why I need a wine fridge. Note to self: once I am in the place to buy frivolous appliances, or, is this an appliance of self wellness? Okay, file under: Things that would be more beneficial to me than paying assloads for health insurance every week that I can’t afford to even go to a doctor really and get anything treated, maybe if something life threatening happens I might be kind of covered, but fucked either way, because well, LIFE, but yeah you know what I mean, right? Or if you don’t please just let this go and don’t judge me on my political rants because we all have them and they are all ebbing and flowing.

SO ANYWAY, the birds. me, stopping Sylvi.

Tears in my eyes.

“This.”

I had a moment of understanding. of beauty, of myself, of the human bean walking beside me.

“These are the things I have no trouble understanding. It’s everything else that makes no sense.”

She looked at me sincerely, albeit a little freaked out, the tears were now rolling down my cheeks. I didn’t feel stupid, though. She smiled.

I thanked her for being my friend, told her I loved her, gained my composure, put my arm around her, and walked forward to the church.

The song ended as we pulled up to the walkway, I walked up anyway, I wanted to see if the doors were open. As I ascended the stone steps, there was a brief moment of fear, ‘maybe someone is having an intense spiritual service inside and i am intruding..’ — the momentum had already grabbed me, I went to (slowly)grab the knob, but it was locked. The second door was locked as well. There were bunches of eucalyptus tied with white satin ribbon on the porch. The doors were old, so were the knobs, it was wild to think I had never stood in this place before, but gazed upon it so many times from the car.

So, we turned around and walked back. I’ve always wanted to see the inside of that church, and I will, soon.

Into the restaurant, two seats at the bar, two martinis, two oyster shooters, a burger (me), chicken sandwich (she). I added another burger to go for Joe, we had two more martinis. We came home, I took a nap, Sylvi read a bit, and watched Joseph, Joe had work. I asked if I could lay down for 10 minutes, she said OF COURSE, and I dozed for an hour. It was amazing. We walked up to the beach to watch the sunset, the moon was round and yellow, the sky was pink, the water turquoise. Mandy arrived shortly after, Joseph had his dinner and got changed in jammies, Joe was bringing him for a sleep over at his parents (Sylvi’s flight was 10:30 am out of JFK the next morning! We had to depart at 6am) – Us gals stopped first at the store, so I could show them around, and then we drove to wawa a to grab sandwiches and snacks galore.

We had some girl time before Joe got back and we picked up a board game. The three of us had been playing cards every-night but with a 4th person we could form teams. Hooray.

The sky is really something else today (November 6 2017) – In the words of Tom Robbins, ‘The sky was tattered as gypsy’s pajamas.” — The sun just came blazing out from the clouds again. Cosmos are still blooming, budding, and coming out of nowhere, so are the zinnias and the monarch butterflies are floating everywhere. Note to self: read article mom gave you on lady in nj trying to repopulate/save the monarchs. Then befriend said lady and join forces. We were watching CBS Sunday Morning and a feel good story came on about a young man who lost his father in the war when he was just 9 months old, he cherishes everything that he has that belonged to his dad. His mom had to sell his car, and she made a FB post looking for the car, someone states away found the car and dedicated themselves to raise money to purchase it and fix it all the way up. They surprised the boy, I looked over at Joe, we both cried. When they interviewed the man getting the car together, a butterfly came and landed on his shirt, They broke from the point to tell us that the butterfly stayed on his shirt for 30 MINUTES. AMAZING. I love butterflies. That night I had a dream about Taylor Hanson and my butterfly tattoo. I just remembered. God I am fucking weird.

Anyway, I want to wrap this up and get something else done. It felt good to write. I have so much work to do that letting loose, listening to music, gets me geared up for the hard part. Joe is out today with Joseph, running errands. Today is our ‘Sunday’ for the next few weeks, until our schedule takes another turn for the fam, which will be more work, but hopefully more time for me to do creative things like write, deal with my photos, on and on. I am still batting around how I really want to exist online, if at all, the constant battle. Joe has my phone, the screen is getting repaired, and it has been insanely liberating to be unreachable. Before he left I looked at him and said “OK so you know I won’t have a phone right?” — We stay in touch so much (too much if you ask me) – and this is admittedly a huge fault of mine his and everyone else’s in this country. So not having a phone right now is so liberating. I have thought about texting calling checking in on or looking up so many things since he has left but NOPE I can’t. It used to be this same way when I first moevd into a new apartment and didn’t have internet, or at my moms, when she didn’t have internet, and the accomplishment of more concrete meaningful and focus driven tasks happens.

I just did such a funky monkey dance to some Jeffrey Lewis. Going through old Spotify playlists. Feeling myself.

OH MY GOD I can’t give up yet because I have ONE MORE THING to talk about.

There was this suitcase found in Joe’s Granny’s third bedroom closet. Something that when we moved out of NY and back to NJ before our trip and our move into this house, we stashed there and totally forgot about. Joe’s mom mentioned it to me and I was filled with dread.

“What the hell could be in that suitcase?” I thought.

Well, Joe brought it home a few days ago (along with his NES, Sega, and N64…) — and yesterday I gained the courage to unzip it and go through it. Filled with my clothes. jeans, shorts, pants, skirts, tanks, long sleeve tees, short sleeved tees, memories galore, of course. I love my dude because he had so many interesting comments on whether or not I should get rtid of this or that. I plowed through about half to stay half to go, I am so psyched about finding a bunch of it, I knew a part of my tee shirt collection was MIA but thought it was in the attic, wondered what happened (we also never found our cutlery!!!) — but now I have it, and warm stuff for me to wear this fall and winter, that fits me again, now that I am no longer preg or a recovering preg, although having a child is sort of like being in recovery from your pregnancy forever and ever .. sob/maniacal laugh/just kidding/or am i.

OH but the clothes, because we also took a detour into Brooklyn last Friday. We had a meeting, got some work done, and ran an errand (to IKEA!) – we parked and had lunch in our old hood, strolling through the familiar yet changed blocks was bonkers. It just felt different.

I sit here and romanticize being there, because I loved it there so much always have and love it here always have, but one of our favorite restaurants is gone, to a new ones, that weren’t open until 5:30pm (for the record we tried 2 different solid spots that now don’t open until later wtf is that) – we ended up at Steinhof, and then grabbed something from Slope Cellars, met with a familiar face.

Actually speaking of cosmic, we walked in, looking for a bottle of Fernet, per a serious recommendation from ms. roy, so we walked into the store and I was glancing around as the counter person asked if they could help, and Joe replied, “yeah actually, we are looking for Fernet, did I just hear you say it?” we turned around and walked over, she had spiraly auburn hair, the other guy who has helped us so many times ( I want to call him Jeff, maybe that is his name I can’t remember), so she laughed he laughed and yes it’s true they were just talking about how they need a new tag for the Fernet 750 mL bottle (exactly the one we needed). We skipped back to the car, really missing living there, again, hating to leave, anxious to get home, and hit the road. I fell asleep as soon as we pulled into traffic on the BQE, my head flopping around what felt like the entire ride home.

(OH MY GOD HOW ANNOYING ARE SPOTIFY COMMERCIALS!)

days like today where the humidity is so intense and the air so dense that you feel swollen. The low pressure ignites thoughts and tension. Living by the beach it’s an ever larger feeling of environmental gain and strain and wind and salt and the smells of the ocean and the waves and the wet sand and the cold crisp warm arm cutting through you like fall fall fall fall. roses mums zinnias cosmos potato vine basil herbs still thriving vines growing in opposite corners of the yard. One is wild, one I planted as a bulb. Small pumpkisn and gourds, dried cornstalks flanking the front door, I tucked a withered sunflower into the twine, I want to remember to do the same with some roses. Dry them out and tuck them into the cornstalks. Roses blooming everywhere in the neighborhood right now, their delicate petals getting whipped by the salty wind. Patti Smith is playing, Joe is next to me writing an email. Joseph is down. We vacuumed. Worked at the store all day yesterday, saw asome familiar faces, some new ones too. I helped a woman tie a small garbage can to her bike with string. She was bringing it down to her son’s new apartment in Seaside. She was cool, wild red hair poking out from underneath a sun bleached neon green bandana. An oversized tie dye tee shirt, cargo shorts, and nail beds crusted with dirt. She said she was slowly bringing small things to his apartment, moving things each time she went, “they had their plates all the way across from the sink!” – her son and his friend just turned 21 and are close to the bars, “at least they don’t have to drive home” … they have two dogs, one is her “grand doggy” that she will walk and take care of as well.. his room mate has a 4 week old pitbull “from a box in Brooklyn”, she wasn’t weaned from her mother or siblings but luckily she can walk with her son’s dog. Anyway, she was cool. Carol came in, Elaine came in with her mother, Grace. One woman came in and ran to the cardinal birdfeeder. Clutching it, she told Joe and I about her and her daughter’s thing with the bird. That when her father died her daughter she saw a hawk every day in the same spot and thought it was him.. then when hermother died the daughter started getting visits from a cardinal. So now that’s her grammy. The mother scoffed it off, but was clutching this bird feeder, telling us the story in a semi manic way, it was endearing, yet made me sad for her. That’s what I love about the store, these little moments with people. John came in, my mom came in with Joseph, we made a bunch of avocado toast, drank iced coffee (I actually want some now, damnit)… some bagels with cream cheese, and butter, a Standard shake … two young kids came in and were so happy we had bagels, they were cute, bickering at each other, brother and sister. 1x everything toasted with butter, 2x plain, not toasted, with butter. I was thinking yesterday, making bagels, how happy I am to live in NJ because of bagels. I LOVE BAGELS. Ok I really have to shower. The wind is whipping in the window on my fair and my hair is so wild, my skin is covered in dew, you can barely close the doors its all expanded. I texted my mom “Its so humid I want to scream”, she says “I would say it is 100% humidity. Basically you are underwater ..in the water. Something like that” –

Sitting here staring at the cursor. Once again. Its warm up time, time to stretch before I go. First things first, change the font to Time New Roman. I’m writing in Microsoft Word and the default font is Cambria (I think?) and I always need to change it to TNR when I write.

I am in a hurry because the baby just went down and these days it seems like he will nap anywhere from 20 minutes to 3 hours. Well, he went down about 30 minutes ago. I made a call, switched the laundry, made the bed and did some dishes before jumping on here.

Days at home, I never know when my freedom will cease. Do I even deserve freedom? That is a loaded question because my entire life is freedom, I am a lucky one. I meant when will I have to be tuned back in, turned back on, focused on family, house, responsibilities. Cleaning cleaning cleaning cooking cooking cooking going going going. Who else is overwhelmed?? Raise your hand. Admitting it helps me, sorry if I seem redundant.

Oi, The washer just kicked in and it’s so loud geez I hope that doesn’t wake him up. Today I laid on the floor next to his crib and pretended to be asleep so that he would go to sleep on his own. Mama business is tricky. Of course the naps are different for all the people who care for him. There are a handful of us, putting in our part, loving on the baby, so both mom and dad can move forward on their ‘path’ let’s say. Which is a whole different level of trickster. My newest mission though, is for him to practice relaxation before sleep. To lull off on his own. Most adults I know have a hard time doing this, so who knows how far we will get.

I went up to the beach today to look for treasures. You wouldn’t believe the amount of trash, well probably you would, but after these big storms you really notice how much is in our ocean. If I didn’t have Joseph I would have done a better job at picking debris up, once he is a little more stable we will do it together (carefully of course) .. so many bottle caps and plastic silverware and little shreds of plastic .. and SO MUCH FOAM. The ocean is super foamy today, we had fun watching it blow around, and squishing it in our hands. We were the only ones on the shore and the waves were massive, even far out, unruly. A sneaker wave came up and I scooped Joseph up and my ankles got wet, but we got out of its way. The ocean that is. Powerful beyond belief. Stunning and scary, so we came home and played in the sandbox, picked some weeds, threw some rocks.

There are about forty peaches in my fridge,

I should make some pie, or jam, or smoothies.

Flo is sitting across the street on the porch of her bungalow, zoned out, maybe asleep.
There is a slight breeze, the chimes are dinging, the birdies are singing. It’s one of those days though where the crickets chirp all through the afternoon. I love that.

It’s hot though, so I have laundry on the line. Some of Joe’s stuff and a load of bleached whites. I love bleach.
I am boring myself and feel like reading instead of writing, I’m nearly finished with Tom Robbins, Even Cowgirls get The Blues. I am ready to be done, I have enjoyed it but it has taken me way too long to get through.

Very excited to see a friend tomorrow. I can’t believe it’s already Wednesday. They are forecasting this weekend to be gorgeous and HOT. It’s nearly Autumn, I love Indian Summer. There is a lot of talk about Indian Summer in ECGTB (formentioned book) .. actually a lot of talk about a lot of themes going on in my life right now, super creative writing, existential thinking, humor, beauty, and crassness. It’s a hoot.

I’m starving now that I think about it. Maybe a turkey wrap. We have so many wraps leftover from the summer. Wraps are so good. I wish I had some cole slaw. MMMM.

yo. 12:54 on a Wednesday afternoon, it’s gorgeous out, and as I was setting up the stroller to walk the dude, he started falling asleep, so I laid him down, and am left with a few moments to myself. There are a million chores to be done, but I thought it better to sit down for a few and write, because that usually makes me feel better than starting chores, then not finishing those chores, and then feeling blah.

So here I am. I haven’t written since January 19.

Since then I have … taken a yoga class (so good, my bod got rocked), baby came down with a week long virus, I’ve started making bumpers for his crib with my mom, we planned a near-future road trip, entered a sweepstakes for a home ‘make over’ .. I experienced a two day migraine, had some friends over to watch football (they brought their kitten, so cute), ordered some Girl Scout cookies from my niece, went on a few beach walks, felt super negative, finally took advantage of the two hour massage joe got me as an anniversary gift, saw La La Land, felt super positive, celebrated Granny’s 86th birthday, watched the Super Bowl, kissed my baby on the head 912 times, ordered myself two new pairs of Lu La Roe leggings (I wore a few pairs of TC throughout my pregnancy but they are stretched beyond belief), I did some knitting, read a book, made some food, caught up with some friends, finally ordered my cloth diaper stash, aaand ate a Hot Turkey Platter at the Rainbow Diner. You guys, I love Hot Turkey Platters. … I should have gotten the Gyro though (that’s what Joe got).

I’ve also gone through about 85% of my wardrobe in hopes of opening a Posh Mark closet. There is so much that doesn’t fit me anymore, or I am just tired of/isn’t my style, I figured why not do something purposeful with them? I had already given away a significant chunk of stuff, letting friends pick through or dropping off at the donation bin, but a lot made ‘the cut’ in my closet, we also never took down our summer stuff last year*, so looking at those bins, it’s like, everything can go.. I forgot I even owned half this stuff! Most importantly, I don’t have space to store a clothing collection at this point in my life. It’s time to say goodbye to certain things. So stay tuned for that! .. and yeah yeah, I know a lot of people do it, its hard work, but I like to work AND it’s getting rid of stuff, maybe making a few shecks here and there. Two birds, one possibly-insanely-waste-of-time-and-energy stone.

Dang, I just saw on FB that Ryan Montbleau has a new album coming out! which is exactly the news I needed today.. deep breath, I need to pre-order it. Currently listening to the single, Bright Side, through this link. Additionally, I am flying through Lauren Graham’s new book, Talking As Fast As I Can — reading her point of view is so refreshing and inspiring (Hi, Lauren!)

Okay, it is officially too nice out to be looking at this blazing computer screen. Why is it supposed to snow tomorrow? These Spring vibes are making me want to garden .. orrr sit outside somewhere with a hoppy beer and a sandwich. Well, off I go, peace!

*editing over this I remembered in The Art of Tidying Up she recommends not even HAVING summer/winter clothes, but just having one year round wardrobe and making it work. I also realized I really do operate on a ‘Capsule Wardrobe’ system these days. I used to get dressed up for work, so I had more of a chance to express myself through my clothes.. although my costume has always been – jeans/tee… and now that I work in a kitchen or am painting/cleaning, I need more utilitarian pieces.

[ jeans + a tee, san fran – 2014 ]