Author Archive | Ashley

I’ve always had an appreciation for Martin Luther King Jr. I mean, what stable hearted American hasn’t, right? But when I was able to take a work trip to Atlanta to learn about him first hand, it took my respect to another level. It got personal, because walking the streets where he lived and being inside his church and standing in front of his tomb, of his fight for justice and peace and righteousness, was a beyond humbling experience for a middle to lower class white female (me).

This country is currently split in two, three, four, 1867 gazillion pieces. It’s unbelievable and baffling, and sad, and sometimes makes me wonder if we really are steps away from getting bombed, or a nuclear war or even hey, a huge comet hitting our planet and totally ENDING this world, why do we spend so much time on hate and segregation and judgement? and debating, name calling, fact checking, and ..fb’ing.

Remember the ice age, the dinosaurs? yeah, that could be us – any minute. like any minute, this minute, this past minute, in 5 minutes, or ..never! we might never see it in our lifetime. My grandparents didn’t see it in their lifetime, maybe I won’t either, or maybe I will, or it could end up being my children’s burden, in their lifetime. .. or not, or never.

My point is that so much CAN happen in a lifetime, so when we have holidays like today, it’s important to take time to reflect on what one man can do in his lifetime. In my heart and mind, MLK, he moved planets in his.

This divided-ness has always been here, but connectivity is the key to living a peaceful and respected life. MLK Jr is a great example of someone who fought so hard that he lost his young life for his cause, and I believe in the midst of what is happening now, Americans all over the country will sit back tonight and absorb how far we have really, truly, come. (instead of focusing on all the wrongness that is happening today, and this week, red state or blue state, it’s bad)

I was watching Good Morning America this morning and there was an interview with Martin’s daughter, Reverend Bernice King (it feels wrong to call him Martin, doesn’t it? But they did on the show, so I am too) – She was brave and eloquently spoke of both of her parents, with an emphasis on her Mother, Coretta Scott King, who’s posthumous memoir “My Life, My Love, My Legacy” is due out tomorrow, January 17. She referenced this quote from her father, which resonated with me –

“People fail to get along because they fear each other; they fear each other because they don’t know each other; they don’t know each other because they have not communicated with each other.”

MLK was arrested so regularly, it was unbelievable. I remember in the museum on Auburn Avenue had a timeline, he was taken under police custody for everything, he was stabbed, he was criticized and harassed and ‘bullied’ beyond belief. I did find this timeline of his career, which is a great piece on the social work he and Coretta accomplished. .. just check this little part of the timeline out (i recommend reading it all though!) — this was going on in the first five years of my mom’s life – !

1958 MLK’s first book, Stride Toward Freedom, is published on September 17. At a Harlem book signing on September 20, MLK is nearly killed when he is stabbed by an assailant. Along with other civil rights leaders, he meets on June 23 with President Dwight D. Eisenhower to discuss problems affecting black Americans.

1959 MLK and Coretta make a pilgrimage to India on February 2 and spend a month there as the guests of Prime Minister Jawaharlal Nehru to study Mahatma Gandhi’s philosophy of nonviolence and to pay homage at his shrine. On November 29, MLK announces his resignation, effective January 1, as pastor of the Dexter Avenue Baptist Church to concentrate on civil rights work full time. He moves to Atlanta to direct the activities of the SCLC.

1960 On January 20, MLK moves to Atlanta and becomes co-pastor, with his father, at the Ebenezer Baptist Church. Lunch counter sit-ins begin on February 1 in Greensboro, North Carolina. The Student Nonviolent Coordinating Committee is founded on April 15 to coordinate student protests at Shaw University in Raleigh, North Carolina, and elsewhere. MLK is the keynote speaker at the event. In Atlanta, on October 19, MLK is arrested during a sit-in while waiting to be served at a restaurant. He is sentenced to four months in jail, but after intervention by then presidential candidate John Kennedy and his brother Robert Kennedy, MLK is released.

1961 On May 4, soon after the Supreme Court outlawed segregation in interstate transportation, Congress on Racial Equality (CORE) demonstrators begin the first Freedom Ride through the South, traveling as a racially mixed group on a Greyhound bus. On May 21, MLK addresses a mass rally in support of another group of Freedom Riders at a mob-besieged church in Montgomery, Alabama. In November, the Interstate Commerce Commission bans segregation in interstate travel in response to the Freedom Riders’ protests. On December 15, MLK arrives in Albany, Georgia, at the request of the leader of the Albany protest, to desegregate public facilities there. The following day, at a demonstration attended by seven hundred protesters, MLK is arrested for obstructing the sidewalk and parading without a permit.

1962 Following the unsuccessful Albany, Georgia, movement, MLK is tried and convicted on July 10 for leading the march the previous December. He is arrested again on July 27 and jailed for holding a prayer vigil in Albany. He leaves jail on August 10 and agrees to halt demonstrations there. On October 16, he meets with President Kennedy at the White House.

The above gives me, that middle to lower class white female, a charge to get out there and make an actual difference in the world. To find my cause. To eliminate labeling from who I am, to not let people label me, a woman who is fighting hard for what she can grasp but has plans to fight harder for more, given the opportunity, or actually, I’ll just have to take the opportunity, now won’t I?

It feels so strange after so long to be sitting down and trying to write. I always tend to get myself into this break from writing and then I get back and it’s like .. wait, how do i do this again? I feel so shy right now. I haven’t’ put anything up on this site in such a long time, I am not even sure what I want to become of this space to be honest. I have a lot of ideas of things to do but I haven’t moved forward with it and then I just ponder and procrastinate and blah blah blah, you know the story.

That being said, with the time that has passed, it gives me reason to re introduce myself and where I am in my life. so lets jump off right for the new year, where hopefully I will be a little more present on this here blog.

i am working really hard on self love. it’s really freaking tough to get to a place where it is just a routine. schedules are constantly changing and the weather is always different and then there are my moods.. don’t even get me started on how my mood affects every single thing around me. full disclosure, i almost typed that ‘every. single. thing’ .. but ever since joe told me he thought that was obnoxious i have to refrain. i like it though, so who. the. hell. cares.

i have been eating the best i can, preparing healthy and whole food meals as often as i can (and eating like crap whenever i slack.. not good, i know).. i’ve been taking better care of my skin, constantly dealing with my hair, and attempting to detox from chemical products completely. it’s tough and i know i’ll never get all the way there … *don’t touch my windex!* .. but just starting is forward motion and i’ve learned from experience, stepping back and looking at all the products you use in your day to day life can be kind of overwhelming. and then disgusting. i recently took everything out from under the sink, and everything out from the bathroom closet (which is our utilitarian storage)(towels and sheets are stored in our bedroom closet).. i went through it all, wiped it all down, got rid of a bunch of stuff, and feel a hell of a lot better about whats under the sink.

i’ve been setting boundaries for relationships in my life, and also making sure i put time aside to be truly invested in those who are near and dear to me and recognizing when its time to let go, that in itself is a huge part of self love.

then, the most important part of my recovery, is focusing on my spirituality. i *need* to find time in my schedule to work this in on a regular daily basis, it is something i always let go, but i am no spring chicken, and i have always thought ‘what if’ for being a fit person, a healthy person, an in tune with myself person.

i really do feel better when i am active and outside and sweating, and moving, but i always get on the train and fall right the f off so quickly. so that is a huge part of spirituality for me, because when i exercise and meditate, or stretch, or do leg swings, or a plié, i automatically feel better. it’s amazing and so gratifying yet i still haven’t figured out what method ultimately works for me. hold on, i need to stretch now, my muscles are seriously aching from my thoughts on this…….

k.. i am back, and that felt amazing. what about these people that meditate at home every morning? i just can’t relax in my space, which i am working on trying to deal with, but wouldn’t it be so wonderful to have a meditation room, overflowing with plants, big embroidered cushions on the floor, incense, crystals, yes yes yes. with meditation comes faith, because i need to harness more of that throughout my life. being a Quaker, my faith is based on meditation and silence, and free thinking. on the other side of the coin lays activism, which is a facet i am very interested in applying to my everyday life. how can i use my strengths to better the environment around me, for myself now, the future me, and then my re incarnated self 😉 … and lastly, i want to talk less and do more. action action action, in real life, not online life, be with the people i love doing things we enjoy and be present in the moment. less cell phones and apple tv, more paperbacks and seashells.

aaah, work. it has become such an abstract thing for me. what do i do? how do i do it? how can i get paid? how do i assert myself? when will business pick up again? where should we do this when should we do that who should we hire what do we pay them can we pay them we we pay that can we pay this when do we want to do this that that and this this and that make this do this make that yes yes more of that but less of that or maybe more i don’t know where to go go go. …. that being said, this summer was the most challenging period in my life thus far, and it was great. we had positive feedback at the store with the full menu, and gained a lot of insight into what direction we need to take this upcoming year of business to be the best version of ourselves. i created a little video to offer a glimpse into my life as a store keeper this summer, i have some regrets about the footage, i guess at times it might be too much, but it is created and it is out there and i just need to deal with it, or take it down, should i take it down? i don’t know.

there has been a little team albatross stuff going on, photo gigs, digital brainstorming, some catering gigs, lots of book keeping in the coming months, menu development, recipe testing, and lots of reconstructing the physical space of the store, which i can speak for myself and joe, we don’t really know where to begin.

oh, did i mention its cold as can be in gensto? the heat doesn’t work very well. so we need to figure that out too if we are going to be spending so much time working in there. so long story short, the store is my #1 priority work wise, we need to be in a prepared and positive place by memorial day weekend of this year, and this includes many facets across our inventory, our advertising, our menu, and our methods. so stay tuned for that. … and in the mean time if you need a photographer, a caterer, or a painter (walls or furniture), i can be your gal.

our little beach house that could. i really love the ‘home’ that this space has grown into for our family. we have done a handful of big changes this past year, and have some exciting projects planned for this year. the major conflict for me, is that #1 we don’t own the house and #2 another big hurricane and everything could be underwater. i fantasize (something i need to slow down on, because it’s not getting me anywhere) about one day having my very own house. with wide creaky floor boards and big windows, spilling light, and a lawn and a shed, and a guest room that just sits there and i don’t have stuff stashed in the closet or under the bed or anything like that, because it is just the extra room. this might never happen, i know, but i am a sicko with zillow and i recently said to joe, while driving through the pine barrens, something along the lines of, “isn’t it wild to think that our house if out there, right now? with someone else living in it? and it will be our house, our first house” .. because we agree we don’t want a brand new house (nor could we afford it) .. so our address, and home, and yard, basement, shed, are chillin out there, with snow dripping down the eaves into the pile of leaves.

it’s good. i am still learning new things about joe, and striving to be the best version of myself for our marriage. i am safe in the manner that he loves me and comforts me when i am feeling like the worst version of myself. for that, i know i am blessed and i am grateful for our relationship every single day. we make a great team. growing into the role of mother (he, the father to my mother), has brought me to a higher understanding of who i am meant to be and what kind of role i want to play in our family. it a challenging yet wonderful big ass piece of that pie of my life, and although we can make each other nutty i am a giddy little girl every time he comes home. bottom line, i just want my husband close to me and me close to him, mentally, emotionally, and physically.

i realized today that the phrase “pride and joy” has taken on a real, totally insanely huge meaning for me. i am honestly kind of speechless right now, trying to find the words to convey what these nearly 8 months have been. to be completely transparent, i haven’t written much anything about what motherhood has been because i have been experiencing it so constantly and intensely.

i’ve had this conversation with joe a few times, about how i really had no idea what kind of love to expect. i was afraid in the final months of my pregnancy, riddled with thoughts about what if i can’t love this baby enough or what if this baby gets on my nerves and i just want my old independent life back or what if i don’t like the baby and the baby doesn’t like me ..

these are completely legitimate things to be pondering before you meet your first child, for the first time, by the way. if anyone ever says something like “oh i never wondered those things, i knew it would be fine” — they are full of shit. or they aren’t in tune with themselves and/or they are robotic. or maybe they aren’t, i don’t know, who cares, my intent is not to judge any mothers, but whatever, that isn’t my point .. what was my point? ..

oh yeah, loving my baby. it is natural and instinctual and tiring but the most fulfilling job i’ve ever held (go back up there to work and erase everything and write in “i am a mama” .. because that is really where i feel the best right now) .. i have found such grace in taking care of him. i love making him meals and getting him dressed, taking him on walks, socializing him, listening to music, reading, driving around in the car, playing, oh boy, i miss him right now, writing this. he is gaining indepedence these past few weeks, and his feet have lost that super soft babyness and you can now see his neck when he is sitting up.. but he is still such a baby and i am not taking a single moment for granted.

this has been a major theme for me the past .. always. so i was going to be done after ‘mamahood’, but felt like i had something to say, so here i go. as a child, i never understood why my mom had friends that she would mention or refer to, but they weren’t still her friends. it seriously perplexed me, one example is a friend of hers called Beverly. i believe she lived in Delanco, which is where my childhood best friend Sandy’s grand mother lived, so after Sandy and her family moved out of state, i’d visit her in Delanco (it’s about 20 minutes south of where i grew up, right past the ice skating rink) … so every time we would drive into Delanco, my mom would mention Beverly. i have this specific memory of the car turning this sharp turn under a bridge when i realized and possibly asked my mom what came to be of her friend. it’s one of those blurry memories of mine, where i learned something big about life .. relationships come and relationships go.

i now have a bigger understanding that this will be a facet of my life forever. that being said, it’s an ever evolving roller coaster of wit, humour, dancing, meals, sorrows, secrets, on on on on. i fucking love it and it makes me so sad. clearing this subject is making me tense, because just knowing people can be really exhausting. do you feel like that?

i was recently talking to my dad about the new social circle that comes with being a parent, being friends with your children’s friends, etcetera. he said it was all good, it comes with the territory, i’ll be fine. But I looked at him and said “i just don’t know if i want to be involved with anyone else”.

it clicked for me, saying that aloud to him, because i got to the point in my life where i was spreading myself too thin, trying to stay in touch, be grateful, be punctual, be responsive, in the moment, invested, thoughtful, etc. well you know what, i just can’t do it anymore. i am letting myself off the hook, maybe, to let a fresh breeze come in, but i have had some major awakenings and when it all comes down to it, it’s just all about family.

i am talking about the people that are your blood relatives, but also the people that are people with your people and you can support and exist together, and feel full, emotionally nourished, and inspired after being in their presence. it also boils down to getting older and your friendships having so quickly accrued so many years. it is wild to know that i have female relationships that have been around as long as i’d been around when we first met! (example: a friend i met at age fifteen years, has now been a friend for seventeen years) – it’s brilliant.

i’ve taken an afternoon to myself, to get some things done, and i am sitting here with a nearly empty glass bottle of san pellegrino, enjoyed in a cabernet glass;neat, some chocolate, fireplace crackling, dog snoring, wind whistling kind of day. some christmas decorations are still up, albiet making me a little crazy, i love the twinkly lights and the white pine draped over doorways and adorning the mantle. the fragrance has gone with the freshness, and i am nearly burned through my thymes fraiser fur candle this year, which is sad, because it’s a serious nose orgasm! i have more than half of my big jar yankee candle that joe got me, balsam fir, which is nice but it’s different nice.

this year i made us each a stocking to hang. the majority of the supplies were ordered online from purl soho, and then i went on a joanns run for some thread and fishing touch notions. joseph’s has a special button that my mom gave me, which was on her father’s Navy peacoat. the structure is wide, denim, and boyish, mine reminds me of an egyptian bootie (which needs to be finished before packing away, the ribbon is still just pinned), and joe’s is made of the softest flannel i’ve ever felt.

ah, i am feeling super inspired now to move on with the positive creative projects i have in my mind. i washed my hair and it’s pinned up to dry in the ultimate top knot, slipping toward my forehead.

well then, chippity chip, time to get on with the day! i am going to clean up and listen to the Hamilton soundtrack for the first time, because Mandy is obsessed and informed me that Jonathan Groff plays King George so … !! (it’s on Spotify)

So I haven’t been here since I was freaking out about having a baby. Well, I had him (we named him Joseph) and he is beautiful and my life is so full… too full? Not sure, I am definitely stuffed. I have every intention of writing my birth story and sharing some pictures of our first weeks together, but I just haven’t had a chance.. but I will get to it. I have to.

It’s June 30th and our season here starts in two days, July 2, which is also the anniversary of opening the store one year ago. I am sitting here feeling so empowered because we finished our menu this morning and it is OFF TO THE PRINTER! I have been dreaming of this moment for as long as I can remember… and now it is happening. I also just placed a massive order with our food distributor and I have a laundry list of things that need to get done, but I was somehow guided here to capture this manic and beautiful moment in time before scooping baby up and heading off to run a bunch of errands and do lord only knows what. Yesterday we got our new equipment delivered.. eee!

I wish you all could come to the store this weekend to grab breakfast or lunch, if you are reading this and you CAN come to the store, freaking come, because we need the support!

In other news, our garden is looking beyond amazing. Other than flowers this year we have raspberries, tomatoes, strawberries, thyme, sage, basil, oregano, rosemary, red onion, and swiss chard.. and of course, the ever obnoxious spearmint, that I can’t get rid of (I’ve tried) …. I’ll have to take some pictures of that to share with you. Also of the interior of our house, it looks so nice.. and the nursery, and lions and bears oh my!

Did I mention yet that my not even 7 week old baby rolled onto his side today? whoa. Okay I have to go. HI and bye!

So, that’s where I am right now. Still pregnant. I really can’t believe how quickly this pregnancy has transpired, yet I am here at the end of it and not being able to think of anything other than delivering this baby. I guess I will go into a little bit of detail about what has happened thus far, because you might be wondering, or be in a similar boat, or getting ready to leave on this trip yourself. One thing that has really helped me these final weeks is reading other people’s birth stories and pregnancy stories, and oh my god, message boards galore (lurker forever).

First, let me quickly summarize my perfect birth plan ~ it’s to begin having natural contractions at home, have the opportunity to labor for a while there, shower, have something to eat, get the animals settled, and relax in my own space. When contractions pick up, Joe and I head to the hospital, get checked in, and I am able to have a natural vaginal delivery. Honestly, I always pictured having a home birth with a doula, but when we got pregnant it just seemed really overwhelming to go that route and we decided to go the hospital/doctor way for financial and logistic reasons.

Anyway, 2.5 weeks ago my doctor wanted me to be induced. I refused. He sent me in for an NST and blood work, it all came back beautiful, except the baby is measuring big, so they pushed me for induction again before the baby gets any bigger. They were saying 9lbs, but the baby could very well be 8lbs. We wanted to wait, so saw them again when I was 39wks6days, again, they want to induce me, they want to do more testing (which I know is normal and that’s fine with me) — this time, the baby measured 8lbs10oz! so that was good news. But really, my issue is that when I say I don’t want to be induced they cop an attitude with me … dead pan stares, “Why?.” … and make me feel like I am making a bad decision by letting my body progress naturally.

So, I go to 40 weeks, I spend the whole week doing everything in my power to bring on labor, all those old wive tales (spicy food, bouncing on a ball, having sex, walking walking walking, yoga, meditation, pineapple, rose hip tea, red wine, evening primrose oil, staying busy, you name it, I’ve tried it). We went to the doctor yesterday and met with a different doctor who I hadn’t seen in over a month. She wants to induce, we agree that we are open to scheduling something for early next week. She takes this and runs with it and wants to schedule a C-section! like, are you kidding me? Why? Because the baby is big. Okay, well I was over 9lbs when I was born, women have big babies every single day, I am a BIG GIRL! She went on and on about infant mortality rates and this and that and this and that and this and that. It was exhausting and mentally draining. She also told me how it is very unlikely that I will go into labor naturally, that my baby will never drop because it’s so big (but also said the ultrasound weight test is very unpredictable) — how if I get induced it “probably” won’t even take for me because I’m a first time mom, and that I will need a C-section no matter what (thanks for all that positivity, doc).. meanwhile this is all while I am laying down with my pants off and my belly exposed, I finally couldn’t take it and was like “I need to sit up.” I was having a full blown panic attack.

I just really wish I had a doctor on my side who would say something like, “you are healthy, this baby is healthy, you are doing everything right Ashley, just keep staying positive and the baby will come when it is ready” — I have to say, I have a wonderful support system outside of the offices that HAVE been saying these things to me, which makes all the difference. I just can’t believe how much they press for the inducing and c-sections, instead of letting a woman go into labor naturally (especially if that is their desire).

#2 issue – this big healthy beautiful baby inside of me. That I was made to make and am truly not worried about being able to deliver. I have these hips, they have gotten really wide in preparation, I was meant to do this. I am going to be able to do it and I am tired of them being negative. I am a huge believer in negative energy creates more negative energy. I have stayed awake at night accepting the fact that I will most likely not have my perfect birth plan pan out, I know that, believe me. But why would I give up hope at this point? What is a few more days? Baby could still be under 9lbs for all we know. It’s all going to be okay. I am a little over 1cm dilated, 50% effaced, and feeling mild contractions – for all you statistic people 🙂

So there it is, my current situation. It’s a beautiful day down here, I’m at the store, talking to every customer about my belly, while Joe works a pet adoption festival nearby (which I won’t dare go to as I might come home with a furry baby). When he gets done we are going to do some gardening, grill up hot dogs for dinner with baked beans and mac n cheese, and watch the sun go down on the beach. It’s all going to be okay, right? I just have to stay positive and relax. Thanks for listening.

During my on-going quest to be a balanced and functioning member of society, I am trying to let go of the idea of being anxious. I know it’s more than an idea, physically, but really – it’s just an idea .. that-can-sometimes-carry-itself-away-into-the-darkest-heaviest-cloud-of-all-sorts-of-messed-up-scenarios-and-sagas, but at the end of the day, an idea. So as we get further along in the year, closer to baby being born, closer to store opening for it’s second summer season, I am trying to replace the “anxiety” with “excitement” … if I start this mission strictly with spoken word, at least it’s a start right? I have always been a firm believer in needing to be the good you want to see in this world, and setting a positive example for yourself.. although usually these peppy statements are only said to a friend while rallying around them.

I was having a bad day this week, maybe it was Wednesday .. I can’t remember(it was definitely Wednesday), and I was on the phone with one of my closest girlfriends. I was kind of hating on myself for over feeling so sluggish when there is so much to do, explaining to her that I beat myself up over and over about weeks going by when I feel like I just can’t catch up with the tasks on my lists and the work that needs to be done, and ultimately the fear that soon I will have a newborn and wish I could go back to “that one Wednesday” and really work my ass off. Because I have been there so many times, wishing I could go back and do this that and the other thing when I had more time and when I lived here or lived there or visited here or visited there.. but … I know… hindsight is 20/20. Anyway, Mandy(that gf), told me to just take it easy. To just rest. That if she was 7 months pregnant and telling me that she was feeling this exact way I would be telling her to take it easy, get under covers, and rest. That I should take my own advice. So I did. Then, I worked my ass off the next two days and it felt good and I got so much done. So there’s that.

~
Tomorrow is Easter, I’m looking forward to it. We aren’t opening the store, opting instead for a relaxed morning at home (with some yard work) and CBS Sunday Morning, followed by Easter dinner at the in-laws. Photos from Easter 2012 and 2013 are up on OURBK, made me nostalgic for all sorts of things. Our family always had such a nice time on this holiday. It has always held more significance than Christmas for me, about rebirth and being together, fresh flowers, birds, and a little bit of warmth entering the air. I will always miss my Nana on Easter and thats all I can say about that without my eyes welling up with tears, so I’ll stop.

~
I just had a nice little flurry of customers. That was nice. I love talking to new people. I’m closing up in 30 minutes to run home and deal with some things, before I head off to get my hair cut. It needs it soo bad I am ridic excited to get rid of all the dead. My hair is nearly to my waist and thicker than it’s ever been (thanks baby), but it needs some serious taming. Afterward I am picking Joe up from work and then we have a few tentative plans up in the air. Under normal circumstances I might be a curmudgeon about going home so I can sleep after the past few hectic days, but homegirl about to have some fresh hair!!! you know I need to get my groove on.

I also need to get new sunglasses because I am so over my current pair. My face is fatter rounder than it’s ever been, which make my current sunglasses make me look like a wacked out beatnik wannabe. Maybe they did gave me this look before my face got fat round, but now I can’t stand it and now that it’s getting nice out I just want to look cute in sunglasses. These ones were purchased for my wedding day (and then I lost my everyday sunglasses and have been wearing these ever since). I have a large head which has always made sunglass shopping difficult, but when you find the right pair.. it’s magic. I keep calling myself fat face and Joe hates it. But really, I can’t wait to lose this baby weight. I’m not obsessing over it but I really am already feeling super motivated to get back to an agreeable size. Okay, it’s time for me to close up.

PS- currently listening to an old mix, just had “Blurred Lines” followed by “Bitch Don’t Kill My Vibe” and now I got “Green Garden” pumping and I am dancing and shaking my head (with a big old bun on top) like a maniac, if anyone peeks their head in here they will be quite amused.

PPS- Why did I spend 10 minutes looking at Yelp photos of Halo Pub’s ice cream? This is a place I worked for years in my late teens, and now I’d do weird things for a cone of chocolate and cherries.

mentioned glasses and healthy hair on my wedding day | a little baby hyacinth in my front garden | wall next to my desk, artwork by my brother (and Charles Schulz)

Joe and I recently went record shopping. We got a very generous and unique wedding gift, a large amount of gift card cash to a local music shoppe. We have gone twice, both times just getting whatever we wanted, and we still have money left over for a third visit. This past time, we got some vinyl (and then our record player decided to stop working with our receiver but haven’t been able to listen to them, fail), and also some used CDs. One of them was The Mamas & The Papas, and since listening to it I have had “Monday, Monday” stuck in my head on and off. Today also happens to be Monday, which is why I thought that little bit of info was necessary.. and to possibly get the song stuck in your head too!

I am hanging on my bed, watching Season 5 of Girls on Joe’s laptop, and writing this blog on mine. I let Stinky(dog) up on the bed too, even though Joe and I decided to not let him up on the bed anymore. Oops. I napped earlier and I didn’t let him up on the bed, and I was even thinking how much I’d love to have him up here with me and how strong I was being by keeping him locked in his box while I took a nap. Then I woke up from my nap (which to be fair I only lapsed into passed outness for about 5 minutes while watching “Pitch Perfect 2”, which kept waking me up since they bust into song every 5 minutes) — anyway, then I got up and I got some water and came back to bed to write this here blog, and he started crying, so I went and got him, and he is in all his precious glory up on the bed. Hopefully I didn’t just re-open the gates of hell letting him up here, because we have had two quasi peaceful nights with him sleeping through in his box (which never used to happen as he cried through the night to be in bed with me). To fill you in, he has been with my dad for two months as we weren’t getting sleep and he was being out of control with neediness so we needed to reset the situation (plus my dad loves him and he loves my dad) … but now, he is back in the bed and I might have just ruined everything we all worked so hard for.

I have been feeling extra tired and sick feeling today. I had awful back pains all night, I think from over compensating the curve in my lower back to hold up my belly and boobs. I showered this morning and shortly after had super numbness on my belly, which makes me think baby is doing a lot of growing today. Just the stretching numbness paired with the crappy tired feeling. I was going to go to yoga but decided against it and now I feel like I just watched this day pass.. but I know that is okay.

We are going to the in-laws tonight to watch the new Nora Ephron documentary on HBO. It’s funny because we have gone there for a few basketball games, the Super Bowl, and now I request to go there to watch a Nora Ephron documentary. He he he. I am really excited. Joe said his dad is making fajitas, so I am also really excited about that.

Back to the teaching old animals new tricks, we have been letting Pippen(cat) outside for the past year, and he has become a pain in the ass! He loves to be outside all night but also likes to come in when he wants to, and will cry and claw at the window and if he is not getting his ways, knocks things over, jumps on my night stand, hits the blinds, or scratches the furniture, or our favorite, goes over to Stinky’s box and wakes him up.

I really do love my baby animals, and I think they have prepared me for all the craziness that lays ahead with baby. Joe will be home from work soon, so I think I am going to lay back down and cuddle under the covers with my pup. xxoo Ash

PS- Joe just texted me about how he is “Gonna drop all those clothes off finally” and it just put me into an extreme sense of panic because we filled about 10 black garbage bags of clothes to donate but I have a seriously hard time getting rid of things.. like.. clothes, and now they are really going and I was not prepared but it is happening and I can’t stop it. Pray for me.

PPS- Jessa and Adam?? O.O

a spring bouquet I put together | example of Pip’s brattiness |
my current obsession | my current scene

I haven’t written anything in a long time.

In the beginning of the year I was feeling so inspired and ready to hit the pavement running, then I got overwhelmed, clammed up, and stopped creating. Not completely. I have a few home projects going on, and I have been knitting, cooking, and practicing yoga 3-4x a week.. but I’m not keeping any of the resolutions I was, well, resolute in keeping. Blah blah blah. I don’t even feel like writing right now, the only reason I am here is to try and get back into the swing, to feel good about it, but I am just being a negative ninny and I don’t like that about myself.

I’ve been at the store by myself today and just had my first customer (it’s 2:10pm, she bought a bag of pretzels) .. I had dreams last night it was summer, that we had a line out the door, and it was the best feeling. Joe has a full time job outside of the store now, which keeps us afloat, but also leaves me alone a lot to stress out and become paralyzed about getting things done in time for summer/before baby. I want to clarify, I don’t resent him for this. I am thankful for him for providing for our family. I am just lonely and I feel stranded. Living at the beach in the middle of winter with an overflowing plate of things you can’t control while a baby grows rapidly in your belly is an intense and powerful test of human will. I’ll give myself a little bit of credit there.

An old blog of ours automatically renewed recently, which we couldn’t really afford, but didn’t want to let go (although honestly I kind of wanted to just let it go but Joe was positive that we worked too hard on it to let it disappear), I still access it on a regular basis (and google hits are still high, although we never update), and I have been beating myself up over how much I used to love blogging vs. now. It used to be a knee jerk reaction, something interesting happens to me, I take pictures, I blog about it. I hear of something new and exciting, I write about it. Now, I still build up data, or do and see interesting things, but I have lost that desire to share. In a world of over sharing, I have stepped away. But honestly, I haven’t. I do a lot of social media, and micro blogging, instagram, snapchat, facebook. But that shit is fleeting, unorganized, easy, cheap ..

::::long exhausted sigh::::

Who else is feeling overwhelmingly underwhelmed? What the hell do I even expect? Why can’t I just get on here and edit and upload pictures of a beautiful cherry pie and call it a f’ing day? I still try to read blogs every week. Women who are organized and inspired and doing beautiful things — which makes me depressed. I do pinterest and tumblr on the weekends, which gets me inspired, but then I don’t get back on there all week. Why am I even talking about this right now? Right? Like, who the hell cares how you social media, Ashley? It’s a sickness.. it really is.

I could go into how much I really have been enjoying meditation and yoga. Hell, I could even blog about that if I wanted to! What a concept. I could bake a pie and take pictures and upload it (but my kitchen has awful lighting) — maybe I could upload the pictures I’ve taken of before and afters of home projects, and talk about how I have been listening to a wonderful audio book as I do my chores. I could take week by week photos of my growing bump and post them on here, or share some progress of the baby things I’ve been knitting. I could write 2k words on how I have researched every stroller and carseat out there.. or spent way too much time creating my baby registry and still stress about it but don’t want to look at it because I don’t want my surprises to be ruined.

But, do you know what really has killed my vibe?? My broke ass iPhone. I use that more than I use a computer, and get burnt out from it, and then I don’t use my computer. It doesn’t help that my big computer has been at the store all winter so I don’t use it during the week, which is where I really get down on editing and blogging and whatnot. Here I go again, talking about technology usage. My husband, Joe, still uses a flip phone. He isn’t distracted by all this bullshit like I am. He doesn’t get pictures and texts and snapchats from people constantly. He is so detached, and I am so jealous. He will check his computer at the end of the night, and that is really it. I want to start doing what he does. Blah blah blah.

Writing this has given me such anxiety. I need warm weather and sunshine and for my garden to start growing again. I need to finish all the house projects and get the nursery ready for the baby, and I will try to resolute to document and share on this here blog. Because blogging, as much as it is a conversation with other people, is a conversation with yourself, and that’s what I need to get back into. I just chugged an entire glass of water and it felt amazing. That is another thing I have been doing, drinking a lot of water. I’ve also been making the bed and eating a lot of oranges. Also, cottage cheese and home made apple sauce, the entire series of Gilmore Girls (by myself) and Parks and Recreation (with Joe).

photo from my 366 in 2016, which I gave up on. Should I restart?