I have reoccurring dreams(nightmares) about being in the basement of my childhood home. Some times people from my current circle are there, and I am showing them something or hiding something from them. The same furniture is there, the drawings on the wall, the musty smell, the scary piles of things from my parents life before I was a part of it, it was a really scary and imaginative basement, and I think about it sometimes but dream about it often. I also dream about Taylor Hanson often. Last night I was near the basement with Taylor Hanson (in a dream).

I wish I was back in California sometimes, so far from where I am now, but still near the water. The water there was different than the water here, it was cold and silkier and full of seaweed. I wish I was having a steak dinner tonight with a baked potato wrapped in gold foil, ordering a bottle of champagne for the table, filled with old friends and new friends.

It’s gotten to the point in New Jersey where the air is so cold it’s making my forehead skin feel like it’s going to tear in half. I have taken to rose hip oil to moisturize, we will see if it helps. I don’t mind the winter as much as I hate dry skin. I read it’s bad for oily/acne prone skin, but I really don’t even know my skin type. It’s skin type Ashley, sometimes this sometimes that.

Joe just made coffee and I asked for a cup, but he used this Stop&Shop tin and it’s so nutty and nasty that I can’t even deal. I am getting hungry now. I wasn’t hungry a few minutes ago but it can happen so quickly. It’s a whole new kind of hunger, it’s a I NEED TO EAT RIGHT NOW OR I MIGHT DIE kind of hunger.

Stinky won’t leave me alone, he wants on my lap, but the laptop is on my lap, and there is no room. So he sits at my feet and whimpers. He stopped now so I should stop talking about it so I don’t jinx it.

I need to clean up the debris of random Christmas gifts that is on the coffee table and around the tree. I have been putting it off for days, once it’s done it will be such a huge sense of relief. So many travel sized lotions, I don’t use them and I don’t want them.

I am day 5 into my 366 project. So far so good. I can’t wait to be a month in. I need to get a little more creative with my shots, which will happen in time, but that also means going outside or getting ready and looking the part. Oh well. I don’t really care that much anyway.

There are so many open projects in my life right now I don’t know what to really dedicate myself to next, I want to go hard and full hearted into something, but I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to share it with people around me because then I end up talking to them more then doing what I want to do and then when they let me down I am disappointed. My success is only up to me, and I need to make the right choices for myself and my family. I can’t believe in 4 months I will either be a mother or be approaching my due date so rapidly. The measurements from our last ultrasound put us at May 3, but we are keeping May 7. The baby will come when it comes. That’s my biggest open project, huh?

I am so hungry right now. Time to eat.
I still haven’t tried Oreo Thins, wtf is up with that?

Pink dress and a cat, Madonna Inn, California
After a dinner with a baked potato with gold foil

Hello hello. I really want to sit down and edit photos and write about 15 glorious and intelligent blog posts about what this year has meant to me, but instead I am just going to rattle off some recent thoughts and make sure I mark this moment in history while I feverishly unwrap hershey kiss after hershey kiss.

Two really big things happened this year that Joe and I had no idea were going to happen on December 31, 2014. First, we started our own business. Second, we got pregnant. I might be bold here, but those are two really big things that I think can either make or break a person, let alone a couple. We sat together this morning over breakfast (as we’ve done a few times throughout this week) with wide eyes, “2015 has been a year“. Hot damn, has it.

I’m sitting here shaking my head because I barely know how to express how special and scary it was. Also, how sincerely grateful I am for the people around me who have really stood up, and also those that have showed true colors (good and bad) and helped me grow as a person. Some relationships have gained strength, some have grown weaker, and I can’t help but find myself reflecting on that today.

I woke up early to some crazy sledgehammering outside our house, shaking the walls, and finished Drew Barrymore’s book, Wildflower. I stared this book yesterday evening and to say I flew through it could be an understatement (the day before I read Nora Ephron’s, I Feel Bad About My Neck) – I love reading next to a Christmas tree. Drew’s book really touched me though (Nora’s, turns out, is made more for a woman in her 50’s/60’s, but it did help me reflect on some things I shouldn’t take for granted while I’m still young). But Drew, omg. Girlfriend. She made me feel like I understand myself a little bit more. She is fiercely independent and brave and clumsy and often late. She tries as hard as she can and said several times to be as personal as possible. Which I try to do as often as possible (see: this blog) but often feel like I am exposing myself and feel kind of stupid. She also talked about art, and how her grand father was a talented artist, that drawing was a skill she always admired, and how she wasn’t one (neither am I), and that she vowed to make a picture where a family stays as one (this made me cry). I want, desperately, to create a family that sticks together. It’s become my biggest healthy obsession.

I’m sitting here, feeling this baby kick inside me as I speak (maybe the chocolate reached it down there), and I just want to be the best mother I can be. I don’t want to obsess over “parenting” though, I want to raise an independent little thing, and not fault it for being itself, and also take responsibility for myself, and learn through my child. I’ve already begun doing this, as it grows inside me, and its definitely changed me as a person already. We had our second ultrasound yesterday and we got to see the baby’s features, it was wild. It’s little nose, and lips, opening and closing, sticking it’s tongue in and out. The exam of the spine was what really stuck with Joe and I, so intricate and beautiful. Seeing the little thing kick it’s legs around on the screen, while I felt it in my body, was wild. It is fair to say that my main goal has always been a mother. It’s been painful for me to wait as long as I did, I can’t believe I’m finally to that place I always wanted to be. I am so glad to share this all with a man that is truly my best friend. We can’t wait for 2016.

I am going to sign off now, the fire is crackling, the sun in shining, Joe is hanging some laundry on the line, he just finished the dishes. I made latkes with fried eggs, applesauce & sour cream, and bacon. Turns out I still can’t do bacon. The smell cooking didn’t bother me, but as soon as I put it in my mouth I thought I was going to upchuck. I also ordered a steak out last night and couldn’t do that either. Meat just isn’t settling right for me, pregnancy is wild. I will continue to listen to my body.

I just peeked outside and I see Joe hung a pair of his boxers on the front row of our clothes line. Ha ha. He doesn’t get it. Our drier died the other night mid laundry marathon. So that’s fun. I love line drying undies. Not. We are going to go through the gifts we received from our parents for Christmas, and put on LOTR. Maybe walk to the beach later (but probably not) and then head to a friends house for a little shin dig tonight. Last night we went to see a good friend coach basketball. He is a grad coach on a college basketball team, it was a really fun game (went into double over time) – I enjoyed watching these college dudes run around. Not in a pervy way, they were just trying so hard, and they are so young! I feel old watching younger people, how did we grow up so quick? Oh my god I just deposited an entire handful on M&M’s into my mouth and I need water so bad. So off I go. See you in 2016.

Holy crap I haven’t blogged since December 4th! Bad Ashley, bad!! I need to get on here more often, but I am still having blog shyness. I know my life is over-interesting at this point but I just don’t really know how to write about it anymore. Does that even make sense? I don’t know. I want to start taking more pictures, I think I am starting a 365 project January 1, 2016. After getting and ending so many jobs with my camera, I started to despise it. I want to fall in love with taking pictures again, on a daily and personal basis/level. I attempted a 365 in 2009 and I still enjoy going back and looking at the pictures. It’s such an interesting photo project, gets you out of your comfort zone, and focused on something creative everyday.

This year is going to be even bigger than 2015 was for me because, well, I’m pregnant. That’s the first time I am writing that on an internet level and it’s terrifying but also relieving. I never aspired to be an online mama who over-shares her pregnancy. I recently read blog-moms are the new stage-moms (although I’ll admit, I do read several baby/family blogs). But now that I am pregnant, and I do this whole life-on-the-internet thing.. I am trying to find a graceful way to deal with my big news. I’ve had several friends ask me variations of “how/when are you going to announce online?” ..liz said, “I feel like one day you are just going to have a baby” — To be quite honest here, Joe, not to call him out, doesn’t like actually personal things online and has always had a strong opinion about our one day baby and whether or not we put photos/news online. I share this sentiment, for the most part, not only because I want to protect the baby from as much as I can but also because I want to spend my time with the child and not uploading the child.

We all grew up without social media, without our parents having the chance to upload our every move, or let’s say, every fifth or sixth move. My family have always been documenters, don’t get me wrong. We have volumes of home movies (that if you know me, you have probably been subjected to viewing once or twice …or ten times), family photos out the yin yang. My grandparents were heavy documenters too, so when they passed I inherited the photos they took of us. My nana had a photo album for each grandchild, so when I was at her house it was a regular occurrence to browse through the “Ashley” book at the memories she captured. I have always been enamored with photos and videos and capturing memories. I fully intend on doing that when our little one comes out, as I’ve done with ourselves pre-baby.

That being said, I am trying to formulate a plan. I have switched to a flip phone for my regular every day phone. This way I can leave the iPhone behind when going to a special dinner or the beach, but still be reachable. I have begun to re-familiarize myself with my 35mm camera, so moments can be snapped and developed later, to lose that feeling of instant gratification. Most importantly, I don’t want our child to grow up with a smart phone in their face for them to say “let me see!” after I take a photo. I am afraid that this is causing a new sense of vanity in children and it worries me.

I admit that I had a variant of this vanity as a child. Going to the supermarket to pick up photos, the torture waiting in the car until we got home to look at them was REAL. I loved seeing myself and my family in photos. Usually it was weeks or months after the event, and I hadn’t been the one taking the pictures, the feeling contained a certain amount of magic. The same goes with home movies, which I have only recently begun to grow out of obsessively watching. I always loved watching my family as a family, to see our personalities from afar and be a fly on the wall to an event that had already taken place. This was personified after my parent’s divorce in 1998 (which I’ve never fully gotten over). My dad’s approach is much appreciated, setting the video camera up and letting it roll on Christmas mornings or during Thanksgiving dinner, or a random breakfast while my parents are doing laundry, and the occasional play in the back yard on a Summer day. It gives us now a treasured view of what those fleeting moments were like, regular conversations and interactions between family members gone or grown. I want to give my child that. I want to have footage for them, meaningful, sincere for my children to look back and see how they grew up.

This means changing the way that I document things myself, putting more time and effort into making sure I print photos, and put together videos as a keepsake, and also a cognitive and organized method of documenting. As I type this I have files upon freaking files of photos and videos I have shot the past ten years that all live within a computer (or three). At this point, these files would take me months to sort through and probably over $1,000 to print and put into books. What do I do with all of this? Hell if I know. Sneak peek, that’s actually my New Years Resolution, to deal with my existing media before baby comes. Because then, I will be focused on family media and try to deal with it every season, to book it and archive it. I have a feeling in this day and age so many children don’t have family albums being created for them, and it makes me sad. Not only for the children but for the children’s children’s children. Because these are the things that make heirlooms and create a legacy, and as a society we have stopped doing this.

So there ya go, off I went, making a little pregnancy announcement into a digital proclamation. I’d love to hear your thoughts on a low media child rearing. Or I’d also love to hear why you put your child online or where you draw the line. I understand a lot of people do this to keep up with family and friends that live far away. The above was not meant as a judgement but more of a rant and rave about my own feelings.

Our little is due early May.
I can’t wait to meet my Spring baby.
We are waiting to find out the sex. <3

Well, we officially canceled our cable service. Bye bye bye. I am sad to admit that I might be a little bummed, because I did like to watch cable, but there is really no point whatsoever in paying what we were paying for something that is only distracting us and keeping us away from reading, listening to music (or watching something fulfilling) while at home.

Yesterday was sort of a bad day for me. Lets rewind first to two nights ago, when I was driving to meditation and got a call from my dad that Stinky (our dog) was not doing well. You might be wondering why he had Stinky in the first place. Well, after we got back from our honeymoon we picked Stink up and his eyes looked great, he is a chihuahua and has bulgy eyes that he has been scratching a lot lately. We bring him home and he starts scratching again, so we were wondering if he has developed an allergy to the cat. We were at the vet in July with a freak infection in his neck (which I was wondering if it was caused by a tooth infection) – So maybe the eyes is also from his teeth. Anyway, we brought him there two weeks ago to see if his eyes clear up again, so we can rule something out before putting him under (which can be very dangerous for a small dog his age).

So, my dad calls me up and says he isn’t doing well, asked for some vet records, so they could bring him to the vet. I said I’d come pick him up and bring him to our vet. So I go there the next evening to pick him up and his eye looks so bad. It’s nearly all gray and there is puss in his cornea and he just is so sad. We had made a vet appointment so on the way to get him I also stopped and picked up a tranquilizer — he is difficult so this pill is to be given to him two hours before our appointment.

Joe woke up and brought the pill into bed around 7am, we woke up at 8:30 and poor Stinky couldn’t even use his legs, he was rolling around on the ground. Well, once he heard Joe making eggs he figured out how to walk and was more or less himself (just sleepier) — We get to the vet and were there for about an hour.

What we learned is that he had an ulcer on his cornea that could have been caused by several different things. First step is to treat it and try to make him more comfortable. His blood work showed a significant rise in levels in his liver, which could mean cancer. If we want to sedate him we can do an ultrasound on his liver (for $440), and while he’s down the oral vet can look at his teeth, if any have to go they can take care of that too (for up to $1,500) … his appointment yesterday cost us $360. Not sure why I am giving you numbers here but I just can’t help but go there. I vowed yesterday to start a savings account for my animals so when things like this happen we can not stress about the financial side of things.

So anyway, I just keep hearing the word “cancer” echoing through my head. I know we have to go through with the ultrasound, to know what is going on. We go back Tuesday morning to see how he is doing. In the meantime I have 3 different drops, an antibiotic, and a pain killer. He is also wearing a cone. His spirits are still high which is making all the difference for me.. although he *hates* the drops. One of them is a serum made from another animals blood.. that has to go in the eye every two hours. It’s a struggle to say the least.

So other than that, I took yoga this morning and it was really nice. I am starting to really love going, and I always wanted to practice enough to feel this way, and now it is happening. On the way home, I got pulled over. Apparently the registration for my car expired on the 30th of November, which I had no idea, isn’t the DMV supposed to send you something in the mail? I try to be so on top of that stuff, my arms were numb when I got pulled over I had no idea what was going on. I also somehow lost my license in my own home the other day (and have been turning everything upside down since looking for it). It was a nice cop who just let me go and said to try to get to the DMV ASAP to get a new license and register my car. The past few days have been one thing after the next for me. I need a break.

I am going to Bordentown tonight to set up a table at what they call the “Chocolate Walk” — basically carriage rides, festivities, and all the local businesses have special treats. We are doing mocha java (with whipped cream) — Joe is working at his other job so my dad is going to come and help me. We are also picking up an order of olive oils that we sell at the store, so hopefully we can push some of that this weekend. Oh me oh my, so much is going on.

It’s so nice out here if I was smart I’d be walking on the beach, but instead I am cleaning up the house and getting my self in order so I am not running late later on.

I have to admit, that with the cancelation of the cable I also downloaded the Amazon streaming app on the Wii, so now I can hook up my Amazon Prime account and watch all that is there. I started “Transparent” last night and am obviously LOVING it. Next up is “Man in the High Castle”.

Mandy sent me a song earlier saying she thought it would be what Joe and I sounded like if we had a band, so I looked it up and listened and I somehow know every word to the song! I can’t place where I know it from, possibly a soundtrack or I had it on a playlist or Joe is obsessed with it or something.. I don’t know but I love the song, so I will post it below for you to listen. It’s “Someone Else” by Wild Child. Namaste.

You may or may not know this about me yet, but I am a seasoned barista. I worked in cafes in historical New Jersey, Philadelphia, and Brooklyn. I have consumed coffee in cities all over America and I have trained and pleased and worked with many other interesting coffee people.

Now, riddle me this, why is it whenever I go ahead and splurge for a $4.00 coffee drink out its made wrong? Point incase, right now, I am at Barnes & Noble in the Monmouth Mall. I ordered an even keel latte, and what I got is a drink that doesn’t even exist in the world of coffee. It’s basically over heated milk, with an inch of foam. The milk doesn’t even taste like it mixed right with the espresso, the foam isn’t even foamed in the micro fashion that a latte should be. I really am not the kind of person to bring it back, give me another 5 years and I will have the maturity to deal with it.

Right now, my drink’s foam looks like dish soap. The bubbles are so large. It’s just not a latte dammit. I just I shouldn’t expect much but the reason I was driven to go here is because I have been such a cheap skate I haven’t even wanted to buy things out like this because it happens so much so I treat myself and this happens again.

When I ordered even keel she was like “a what?” I said “an even keel latte” — “yeah, but like, what goes in that?” .. I said, “it’s half decaf half regular.” — “oh, okay.” .. Right now I am glaring over at her and she’s telling her co worker some stupid story and I just want to be like “Why don’t you practice your micro foam” … Sorry I am clearly feeling like a big old biatch right now but it’s just not that hard to make a latte right, especially when you are using the Starbucks brand, you should just practice it. Then know it.

I’ll also add that I am here while Joe works nearby, and I am working on my resume. I hate working on my resume, I look at my most recent resume and want to slap myself. I just hate doing resume and hate the whole job search. It’s hard for me to talk about myself, let alone be smart and analytical about the jobs I’ve had. Okay, back to work.

EDIT — Okay I am back, I am listening to a man go through a job interview a few tables away from me. Listening is an over statement, I am overhearing key words like “social media” — “theatre” — “MTV” “Jeff Beck” “Jonny Lang” etc. He is a man in his late 40s, seems to be in some kind of production, interviewing with two suits who both got large earl grey teas. It seems like a job I could work with too, whatever they are looking for. Getting out of the house today was a really good thing for me. I am making progress on my resume, so back I go.

I haven’t written here in a little bit, but I think about this blog everyday. I hope it turns into a spot where I am compelled to share and to work on it all. Blogging is really hard work, and it’s something to easily put on the back burner because what really comes of it? Not much.. unless you really succeed in reaching people and turning it into a community space. Which is what I want to do.

Not sure how I just got started on that because I came on to say that I am watching CBS Sunday Morning and I’ve cried at nearly every segment, so that’s how my Sunday is going so far. Good cry and bad cry, but all the same it feels good to cry.

This evening my mom is hosting a dinner at her house. I am really looking forward to it.

I’m blasting Cat Power’s cover of “Sea Of Love” and it makes me feel crazy emotional and beautiful because sometimes I think if my heart and my lungs and my brain could sing a song it would sound like this.

Can you tell I am feeling emo? These past few days, since getting back from Costa Rica, have been very strange for me. I went from being in this beautiful pure place, feeling like my happiness was untouchable, vowing to bring back this positive view on life, to being here, in reality, and losing complete grip of those emotions, and beating myself up over it. I am 99% positive that a lot of it has to do with the fact that I am not served the most delicious fruit plate every morning. But that is something I need to work on myself, unfortunately New Jersey doesn’t have the same selection of in season ripe fruit so I’ll just have to deal with it.

Mine and Joe’s wedding song just came on.
Glenn Miller Orchestra, “I’m Glad There Is You”

I have had a few conversations the past few days with one of my oldest and dearest (and best) friends, Mandy Fay. We are always in tune with each other no matter what is going on, but we are both having a hard time. So our initial conversations can start with text messages like “I most certainly just had a legitimate psychotic episode” or “I am so sick of failing at everything fucking thing I do” can be turned into sharing synopsis’s about the books we are currently devouring, or remember that time when we did stupid 1 2 or 3, or encouragements like “you are more than a friend, you are like my sister” ~ I just got off one of those phone calls, that started as her calling me to see if I was okay, and left me feeling positive, which is what really makes this fucking world GO ROUND!! Where’s the love? It’s here!

Devendra Banhart, “Can’t Help But Smiling”

Anyway. I also want to quasi-apoligize about my Hilary Clinton rant from the other day. Because I have been oddly enough thinking about it, not like anyone really reads this blog yet, but I don’t want to seem like such an ignorant shallow mo-mo. I really don’t know who my next Presidential candidate is, especially now that Chris Christie is out of the race (go ahead, now you can think I am an ignorant mo-mo, but I will debate him with you if you’d like…) — but I really just had to let it out there how I feel about Hilary. I know she is an extremely intelligent woman who has a good social media strategy and has so many other powerful woman rooting for her. But I just have this awful memory of shame dealing with blowies, and she will be forever associated with it. That’s just where I stand.

Florence + The Machine, “You’ve Got the Love (XX remix)”

My mom is on her way over here to pick me up so we can go to the mall. I can’t even remember the last time I went to the mall with her, so it should be fun. We are going up to Freehold to hit up the good stores. I am investing in an entirely new beauty routine from LUSH — because I am so tired of using all these chemically engineered products from a million different companies. I really don’t want to put harsh and random chemicals on my body anymore, so hopefully some hippy chick at the store will be patient with me. I am wearing a dress that I bought for the honeymoon, and it’s been in my suitcase, and my super sense of smell is just bothering me. It’s like this dress kind of smells like its been up against a dirty pair of something else (not panties, you sicko) — but like just the faintest smell of dirty laundry.. I don’t know it’s just kind of making me ill. It’s that suitcase smell. I am washing everything that was in the suitcase but most of it needs a nice dry sunny day to line dry and we haven’t had that yet, so here I am. I’m def not going home to change, but I just wanted to share that with you. Oh yeah, I also want to hit up H&M to restock some leggings and long tanks, what what! I also need some new bras but that’s a conversation for another day.

Jason Mraz, “Best Friend”

Last night the Bulls won their first game against the Cavs .. and the Royals beat the Mets in like the 100th inning. Isn’t that interesting. Anyway, my Mom just here so we are off to embark on a shopping extravaganza! …. My mom brought me pumpkins. She is so cute still doing mama things like that. “They were big enough, so I seat belted them in the back seat” — She also said she won’t let Joe ever carry her pumpkins again, because last year she got me a pumpkin with the cutest stem, it actually did a curly-que .. and Joe carried it by the stem(handle) and it snapped right off. Ha ha ha.. okay, off we go!

Joe and I on the honeymoon (this is the dress).